Look kids, it’s simple. Two good meals a day, go for a walk, touch your toes, follow the blogs, and start thinking for yourself. This fall, stop making excuses and stop saying “Now is the time” or “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I’ll be fit by next year.” Stop talking about it and just do it.

Woodpeckers, they’re everywhere, especially out at the Hanzo Ranch. Hey, where have Gary and I been? I’ll tell you. We’ve been at special education camp. We’ve been being reeducated. Since we’re back for fall, we’re tired of hearing about all this nonsense. “I’ve got to get back into shape. Fall is here. I’ve got to start getting myself together.”

See that? That’s a whole bunch of books, and they all are worth the same thing, nothing. Thinner This Year, The Start Here Diet, The Atkins Made Easy Diet. I guess that’s just bacon 24/7. Younger Next Week, as opposed to today. Juice Cleansing, Reset Diet, don’t forget toilet paper.

Along with that little conundrum there of weirdness is…and it doesn’t matter. This guy did a solid thing. It’s about a Saint Paul guy who lost 100 pounds and, in the process, gained a new career as a trainer. Yes, I lost 100 pounds. Now I know how to train people.

This, my friends, is the zenith of the rant today. The effing stupidity, the continual gaping mob of the USA for information that goes nowhere so they can get to the next information. If you just check your iPhone 9, it will tell you what to do next.

This fall is all about getting your shit together, because it’s not. If you buy into any of this crap, this self help book, “Nine Steps to a Tiny Tummy,” or fourteen ways to put your socks on, you’re an effing idiot. I’m getting upset.

Look kids, it’s simple. Two good meals a day, go for a walk, touch your toes, follow the blogs, because they’re your new religion. You know they are. Start thinking for yourself. Here’s the real important part. Start thinking for yourself. Protect who you are by being your own person.

The information can help, yes, but it’s all the same crap. Thinner Next Year, it’s always next year, isn’t it? Next year I’ll get a better job. Next year I’ll be taller. Next year my husband will like me. Next year my pants will fit. No, no, no, no, no. Just take matters into your own hands. There’s got to be a joke there somewhere , but I don’t have it. For me, the woodpeckers, Gary, and Denise, we’re out of here.