If it’s empty calories you want, then this is the list you are looking for! Ron Morris adds his two cents to each of these. (Note: Please really think before you eat anything from this list!)

Hey, everybody. Guess what? Today we’re going to… Oh, Hi. I’m Magic Ron. That’s right, I forgot to tell you. I’m Magic Gonzo Ron. I’m made of paper and air and nothing else. Forget it.

Anyway, today we’re going to discuss the 10 most fattening fast food dishes on the planet, and this will help you understand why you might be 6,000 pounds or more. I said 6,000 pounds or more.

All right. Follow me, Mr. Camera Man. Let’s get to it, shall we?

#10

This is the Top 10 Most Fattening. Taco Bell Volcano Nachos. They come in at a svelte 980 calories. Volcano Nachos. Volcano. Nachos. No, no.

#9

Wendy’s Dave’s Hot ‘n Juicy. I think that was a stripper I used to date. Three quarter pounder. That comes in at 1,060 calories. Forget the pop, forget the French fries, forget the pudding pop or whatever else comes with it. That’s just 1,000 calories. That’s half of your caloric intake for the day, in one burger.

#8

Chipotle is #8. It comes in at #8. Steak Burrito, fully loaded, much like a baby’s diapers. Fully loaded. Four, five pounds of poop can be held in those diapers, is what I’m told. Forget about the pee and everything else that comes out of a baby.

#7

Dairy Queen’s Chicken Strips with Gravy. Almost 1,400 calories. Now, Dairy Queen. Don’t you think, “ice cream cone?” Chicken strips. Gravy. No. This is not a good idea.

#6

Baja Fresh Steak Quesadillas. Now, these are 1,500 calories. Baja Fresh’s Steak Quesadillas. Basically, that’s cheese on flat bread with something that resembles meat, and that’s over half your caloric intake for the day.

#5

Five, of the Top 10 Fattening Fast Food Dishes, Pizza Hut Personal Panormous… It says so right here, “Panormous” Meat Lover’s Pizza. Panormous. Panormous Meat Lover’s Pizza. That comes in at 1,500 calories. Like I said, that doesn’t include your pop, or the other meals you’ve had during the day. 1,500 calories. That’s over half of your daily caloric intake.

#4

Domino’s Chicken Carbonara Bread Bowl Pasta. Domino’s. Chicken. Carbonara. Bread Bowl Pasta. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 1,500 calories.

#3

(not gonna say in public)

#2

KFC. This comes in at #2, now. Now, we’re getting to the good stuff. KFC’s Variety Big Box Meal. I guess that’s just a bunch of chicken parts that nobody knows what to do with, so they just throw them in a box and shake them up. Those 1,700 calories go right down your gullet. That big pie hole you call a mouth.

#1

Lastly, but not leastly, Lucy, is #1. Subway’s Double Meatball Marinara with Cheese. Subway’s Double Meatball Marinara with Cheese. That’s almost 1,800 calories.

What are we doing to ourselves, guys? There’s not a lick of real food in that whole list. No vegetables, no fruit. Nothing that your body would know what to do with. These cost a lot of money. They’re all empty calories and people are doing it to themselves daily. Preachy and bitchy? You bet, Mr. Paper Cut Out Guy. That’s what we’re here for.